The Bleach Pen
by A. L. Nowicki
Summary: George takes advantage of Jerry's illness to date a beautiful Broadway star behind his back. However, his relationship is ruined by a bleach pen given to Elaine by Kramer's new girlfriend.


**Disclaimer:** The only characters I own in this story are Tessie and Casprine/Kirkley. I don't own anyone else.

**Summary:** George takes advantage of a sick Jerry to date a beautiful Broadway star behind his back. Kramer's new girlfriend is way too normal to be dating him. Elaine hosts Jerry's parents, and Puddy is just being Puddy.

**Author's Note**: I have no idea why I decided to post this story on here, because quite frankly, I think it's ridiculous. But, some of you out there may like it. I basically took the George/Marisa Tomei plotline and ran with it, and this is the result. What _would _happen if George started dating someone famous?

* * *

**The Bleach Pen**

"Are you okay, Jer?"

"Huh?" Jerry turned to Elaine. They were sitting beside each other at their usual booth in the coffee shop.

"I asked you if you were okay. Jer, you really don't look good, and you keep holding the side of your abdomen!"

"Yeah…yeah, I'm okay, but I've had this terrible pain in my side for the past couple of days," Jerry admitted quietly.

Kramer stood up and took his friend in his arms. "Maybe I should take you home so you can rest. Come on, let's get a cab." He turned to Elaine and George. "You two stay here. I'll take Jerry home, and then I'll be right back."

Kramer and Jerry walked outside, and Elaine turned to George. "Poor Jerry. There might be something seriously wrong with him. Do you think we can do anything?"

George shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like we can bring him soup or anything. Maybe we should get flowers for him."

"_Flowers_? That would work okay for a girl, but not with Jerry," Elaine said. "We have to get him something special." She took a sip of her iced tea and thought. "Oh, I have an idea, George. Maybe we can get his parents up from Florida for a visit. You know, to cheer him up."

"You think that'll really work, Elaine? I mean, if _we_ can't cheer him up, who can?"

"_Us_? We don't cheer him up. All we do is grumble about our dates," Elaine muttered. "But I think a visit from his parents will really work. After all, he hasn't seen them in a long time. Come on, it's worth a shot."

"You know something? I think you're right!" George exclaimed. "Yeah, after Kramer comes back, you and I will go over to my place and we'll call the Seinfelds in Florida."

"You think we should tell Kramer? Or should we keep it a secret? Because you know if we tell Kramer, he'll blab to Jerry, and we want to keep this a surprise, right?"

"Right. No, we won't tell Kramer." George took a sip of coffee and looked around Monk's. He nudged Elaine from across the table and pointed to a woman across the restaurant. "Elaine!" he hissed. "You see that woman sitting alone over there? The one with the long, dark hair, reading the newspaper? I think that's Casprine Sterling!"

Elaine reached into her purse and fumbled for her glasses. Putting them on, she looked across to where George was pointing. "Casprine Sterling? Oh, come _on_, George. She has as much grace as Jackie Onassis. What would she be doing in a small, neighborhood coffee shop?" Casprine Sterling was an extremely beautiful, yet notoriously shy, Broadway actress. Just last week, she had raked up five Tony nominations. She hadn't been well known for very long—as a matter of fact, she had popped up completely out of nowhere—but _People_ magazine had named her the best actress in the world, and anyone who saw a show of hers would agree.

"I think that's her, Elaine! Remember that time Kramer saw Joe DiMaggio here? She can come here if she wants! I bet that's her!"

"You gonna go over there and see?"

"What do I _say_?"

"Just what you would say to any other woman! Say, 'Hi, my name is George Costanza, and I can't help but notice how gorgeous you look this morning.'"

"You think I should say that?"

"_Yes_! I want to find out if it's her, and you do too, don't you?"

George thought. "I remember that time I did the complete opposite of everything I would normally do, and I had the best luck ever," he said aloud. "So, yes, I'm going to go over there and introduce myself, because normally, I wouldn't. Normally, I would just sit here and argue with you, Elaine." George stood up. "Here comes George Costanza."

"Go, George!" Elaine squealed.

George walked casually over to the table where the woman was sitting. He cleared her throat, and she looked up at him.

"Hi, my name is George Costanza," George said, as casually as possible. "And I'm sorry, but I can't help but notice how gorgeous you look this morning."

The woman smiled. "Why, thank you," she said softly. She held out her hand. "My name is Kirkley King, and you look very nice this morning, too." She gestured to the opposite seat of her booth. "Why don't you have a seat?"

"Thank you, Kirkley." George said eagerly, sitting down. "So…do you live here in New York?"

She just shrugged. "For now."

"Business? Pleasure?"

"Business."

"Really? What kind of business?"

Kirkley thought. "I just help make people smile," she smiled. She grabbed a napkin, took a silver pen out of her purse, and scribbled a number on it. She stood up from the table, newspaper in hand, and offered the napkin to George. "Here is my cell phone number, George Cotanza. Feel free to call me whenever you like. And please, don't show that number to anyone else." And then, with a small curtsy, Kirkley went over to the register, paid her tab, and left.

George hurried back to Elaine. "Well?" Elaine asked.

"It's her, Elaine, it's her! Her name is Kirkley King. That's Casprine Sterling's real name, isn't it? She's in New York on business, but she wouldn't tell me exactly what she does…Elaine, Casprine Sterling is very modest. They say if you met her on the street, she'd deny _everything _about who she was. That's her, I just know that's her!"

"You're right! Her real name _is_ Kirkley King, isn't it?" Elaine asked, open-mouthed. "That _was_ her! I mean, how many people are walking around with the name of 'Kirkley?'"

"Yeah, and did you see how she curtsied to me, when she left? That's one of her habits, Elaine! They say Casprine curtsies everywhere she goes!"

"Yes, she _does_ like to curtsy! Wow, it _was_ Casprine Sterling! You gonna call her?"

"Are you kidding? Sure, I'm gonna call her! The world's _best_ actress actually gives me her number? Of _course_, I'm gonna call her!"

Kramer walked back into Monk's and sauntered back over to George and Elaine's table. "Well, I took Jerry home, put him to bed, and gave him some Tylenol." He looked at his friends. "So, what have you two been up to?"

George and Elaine looked at each other.

"Not much," George said.

"Absolutely nothing," Elaine added.

* * *

After breakfast, Kramer had gone off to visit his girlfriend, so George and Elaine went to George's apartment to call Jerry's parents.

"Who should do the talking? Me, or you?" Elaine asked.

"You. They can _trust_ you. Just tell them that Jerry hasn't been feeling well lately, and he could use some cheering up, and could they come up for a surprise visit."

"Right." Elaine opened her purse and found her address book, then looked up the Seinfelds in Florida. She dialed their number.

"Hello?" Helen Seinfeld answered the phone.

"Hi, Mrs. Seinfeld? This is Elaine Benes."

"Hello, Elaine!"

"Mrs. Seinfeld, have you, um, heard from Jerry lately?"

"No, but Kramer called the other day, and he told us Jerry wasn't feeling that well. I hope it wasn't anything serious!"

"Well, I don't know, he says he's been having a lot of pain in his side lately. It could be serious, and he could really use some cheering up, so we thought--"

"Oh, my poor Jerry!" Mrs. Seinfeld exclaimed worriedly. "Has he seen a doctor or anything, do you know?"

"No, I don't know, but George and I were thinking that if you and Mr. Seinfeld came up here for a surprise visit, it would really cheer him up, and he might begin to feel better."

"Oh, my Jerry…you're right, he does sound like he needs some cheering up. We'll do whatever we can. I'll talk to Morty, and I'll get back to you. Where are you, Elaine? Are you at home?"

"No, I'm at George Costanza's house."

"Okay, I'll call you back in a couple of minutes." They both said goodbye and hung up.

"Well?" George asked.

"She'll talk to Mr. Seinfeld, and get back to us in a couple of minutes. I think they're going to do it. She sounded really worried about him."

"Good."

* * *

A few hours later, Elaine walked through the front door of her apartment. Mrs. Seinfeld had called back and said that she and Mr. Seinfeld were catching the next available flight to New York; they would be up that afternoon. Elaine had to clean her apartment so they could stay with her.

David Puddy was sitting on the couch, watching TV. "Hey, babe," he said as she walked through the door. "Kramer called. He wants to know if we'll go out to dinner tonight with him and his girlfriend."

"Well…uh…" Elaine couldn't think of any reason she wanted to go out tonight with Kramer, except to ask him how Jerry was doing. And besides, the Seinfelds were coming tonight. "Oh, I can't. I have to pick up some people at the airport tonight."

"What time?"

"I think around six or so."

"Oh, that's fine, then. I'll tell them to make reservations for seven."

"But, Puddy, you don't understand. These people I'm picking up, they're staying here with me in my apartment, so…so we probably would have to take them out to dinner with us." Elaine didn't know _how_ she was going to pull this one off. How could she go out to dinner with the Seinfelds if _Kramer_ was going to be there?

Unless they stopped at Jerry's immediately after dinner, and Kramer was with them.

"Wait. How about you make the reservations for six-thirty?" Elaine asked. "I'll just be late."

"Are you sure, babe?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Just tell Kramer to make reservations for six-thirty."

Elaine considered herself lucky that Puddy never questioned anything; he just did as he was told.

* * *

Meanwhile, George was on the phone with Kirkley. He had called her after Elaine had left.

"George, you are _so interesting_!" Kirkley exclaimed. "I never thought about toilet paper that way before."

"Why, thank you. You're a very charming woman, if you dare to put up with me."

Kirkley laughed. "Listen, I would just love to go out to dinner with you sometime. Are you free tomorrow night?"

Without even stopping to think, George blurted out, "Sure!"

* * *

That night, Puddy, Kramer, and Kramer's girlfriend Tessie sat in a restaurant, waiting for the rest of their party to show up.

"Who else are we waiting for?" Tessie asked. An attractive young woman with permed light brown hair, she was quite normal for someone who dated Kramer.

"Puddy's girlfriend Elaine, and…I'm not sure who else," Kramer said. He turned to Puddy. "Who else _are_ we waiting for?"

"A few people that Elaine had to pick up from the airport," Puddy replied. "She never told me who they were." He craned his neck to see the front door of the restaurant. "Oh, look! Here they come!"

Everyone turned toward the entrance to see Elaine and the Seinfelds headed towards them.

"Seinfelds!" Kramer exclaimed, out of surprise. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Hello, Kramer. Well, Elaine called us, and we came up for a surprise visit, to cheer Jerry up."

"How sweet of you!" Tessie exclaimed.

"Oh, here, let me introduce you. Tessie, this is Elaine Benes, she's David's girlfriend, and those are my neighbor Jerry's parents, Morty and Helen Seinfeld. Morty, Helen, Elaine, this is Tessie."

"Pleased to meet you," Tessie said, as they all shook hands across the table.

Helen Seinfeld had that look in her eye; Tessie would be perfect for Jerry. Elaine was just staring at Tessie, confused. What was a nice, normal girl like her doing with _Kramer_?

Elaine snapped herself out of it soon enough. "Kramer," she said, turning to him, "How has Jerry been doing? Have you spoken to him at all today?"

Kramer nodded. "Yeah, but he isn't doing very well. Whenever I went over to his place, he was curled up in bed."

"My poor Jerry!" Helen exclaimed. "I can't wait see him. I hope he has enough painkillers. Morty, we should stop and pick some up before we go to visit."

"And he should eat a plum," Morty nodded.

"I don't know, I was thinking we should take him to the hospital or something," Kramer said. "I took his temperature, and it was a hundred and two."

"A hundred and _two_?" David Puddy asked. "Heck, that's enough to do somebody in!"

"No, it's not," Tessie said, rolling her eyes. "But it's still pretty high."

"How long as he been sick like this?" Morty asked.

"For at least a couple of days," Elaine said.

"Kramer's right, we should take him to the hospital. There's obviously something very wrong with him," Helen said.

Everybody sat and stared at their menus for a while. Suddenly, Kramer reached across the table to pour himself a glass of water and accidentally knocked over a glass of wine, spilling it all over Elaine's sleeve.

"KRAMER!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Kramer apologized sincerely, picking up his napkin. "Here, let me clean it up--"

"No, don't you dare!" Elaine yelled, snatching her sleeve away and examining it. "Look, now there's a wine stain all over my sleeve!"

"Don't worry, I can get that out," Tessie announced, digging into her purse and producing what looked like a white out pen. "Elaine, come with me to the bathroom. I can get that stain out right away, I promise!"

Elaine looked at her suspiciously, but then remembered her poor sleeve. She couldn't understand how a girlfriend of Kramer's could possibly help, but she was desperate. "All right," she sighed worriedly, getting up from the table.

A few minutes later, Tessie and Elaine were standing by the sink in the bathroom. Tessie held Elaine's stained blouse in one hand and the white out pen in the other.

"This is a bleach pen," she said to Elaine. "What happens is, I'll run the stain under cold water, squirt some bleach on it using the pen, and run the stain under cold water again. It's almost like magic. Watch." She took the blouse from Elaine, turned the faucet on, and worked the magic of the bleach pen. The stain was gone in a minute flat.

"Oh my gosh, that's _amazing_! Where did you get that bleach pen?"

"Oh, you can have that one. I have plenty more. I always carry one with me, just in case of an emergency," Tessie smiled.

"Thank you, thank you so much!" She took the bleach pen and hugged Tessie out of gratitude.

"Oh, no problem." She headed toward the hand-dryer with Elaine's blouse. "Now we just have to dry it."

* * *

Morty knocked on Jerry's door.

"I don't know, do you think this is right, all of us going at the same time to see him?" Tessie whispered to the rest of them. "I mean, he's in pain, he might not want this much attention…"

"You know, you have a point," Kramer told her. "Puddy…come here. The three of us can go into my apartment and wait until later."

"I don't know, we may be taking him to the hospital," Helen told him.

"But still, I don't think the six of us should go in at once," Kramer replied. "Come on, let's give Jerry room to breathe." Kramer, Tessie, and Puddy disappeared inside Kramer's apartment.

Jerry opened his apartment door. He was wearing pajamas and a bathrobe, and looked very pale, but his eyes lit up at the sight of his parents. "Mom? Dad?" he asked weakly. "What are you two doing here?"

"Surprise! We came to cheer you up, tiger!" Morty said to his son.

"Elaine called and asked us to come up to visit you. She said you were sick and depressed," Helen said. "Don't worry, we're staying at her place. You don't have to worry about a thing."

"Oh, Mom, Dad…Elaine…thank you so much!" Jerry exclaimed weakly.

"Jerry, are you okay?" Helen asked.

Jerry shook his head. "No, the pain in my side, it's almost unbearable…I can barely stand up…" he stumbled and reached for the counter.

"Oh, Jerry…Jerry, can you stand up?" Helen asked worriedly as she and her husband crowded around their son. They both grabbed a hold of him to help him stand up straight. Elaine went to the sink to pour Jerry a glass of water.

Morty Seinfeld helped his son over to the couch to sit down. Elaine set the glass of water down on the coffee table, and then went to the bathroom in search of a thermometer.

Elaine came back into the living room and handed the thermometer to Helen, who had her arms around her son on the couch.

"Thanks, Elaine," Helen told her gratefully. Elaine then went to Jerry's bedroom to make his bed.

"Here, Jerry, take a sip of water…" Morty began.

"Open up, honey, I want to take your temperature," Helen added. There was a silence. "Wow, it went up. Now it's a hundred and _three_. Jerry, this is a very high fever. I think we should take you to the hospital."

"You…you think so?"

"Yes, definitely. I don't want you dehydrated. Morty, can you drive him to the hospital while I stay here and clean up his apartment?"

"Of course. Come on, Jerry, let's stand up." Morty helped Jerry stand up, and the two of them made their way to the door. Morty took Jerry's car keys, and the two of them left, heading for the hospital.

"Mrs. Seinfeld," Elaine called as she came into the kitchen. "This blanket of Jerry's has a red stain on it, and it smells like cough syrup. I think he might have spilled some."

"Oh, dear. Poor Jerry. Elaine, we'll have to go downstairs to the laundry room and wash it."

"No, we could probably do it right here." Elaine dug in her purse and produced the bleach pen that Tessie had given her. "This is a bleach pen. Just run the stain under cold water, squirt some of this on it, and run the stain under cold water again. It takes it right out."

"My goodness, isn't that clever," Mrs. Seinfeld commented, picking up the pen from Elaine. "Well, let's just see how much it works."

* * *

The next morning, Elaine walked into the coffee shop alone. George and Kramer waved her over to their usual booth.

"Good morning. Where are the Seinfelds?" George asked.

"Oh, they're at my place, asleep. They didn't get in until real late last night," Elaine explained. "Mr. Seinfeld was with Jerry at the hospital, and Mrs. Seinfeld was cleaning Jerry's apartment for him."

"Yeah, I was talking to Helen last night around four in the morning, after I took Tessie and Puddy home," Kramer said. "Morty called, and he said Jerry was admitted to the hospital, and that he has…I hope I'm saying this right…appendicitis."

"What's that?" George asked.

"Your appendix swells up and gets really infected," Kramer explained. "Anyway, they performed emergency surgery, removed his appendix, and now he's feeling a lot better, but he's still in the hospital."

"Do you know what room he's in, Kramer? I want to stop by and give him some comic books," Elaine said.

"No, I don't, unfortunately."

"Well," said George after a brief pause, clapping his hands together. "I have a hot date tonight!"

"With…you know who?" Elaine asked excitedly.

"Yep, with you know who!"

"Who's 'you know who?'" Kramer asked. "I want to meet her. Maybe all of us should triple date. George, his mystery girlfriend, Elaine, Puddy, Tessie, and me."

"NO!" George and Elaine shouted at once.

"Why not?" asked Kramer, insulted.

"Because…she's very shy," George stammered. "Yeah, she doesn't like group dates. She doesn't like being with a group of people. She's shy."

"And she doesn't like _drawing attention to herself_," Elaine added, putting emphasis on the last four words. "She's a very beautiful woman, but she's very modest, she doesn't think she's that attractive, and she freaks out when she gets too much attention."

"Oh, that's no problem," Kramer said happily. "We'll just go to one of those quiet restaurants uptown, where it's dark, and there's not a lot of attention. How about Marianna's?"

George and Elaine looked at each other. They were both thinking the same thing: trying to talk Kramer out of what he wanted to do was like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.

"Sure," Elaine sighed.

"Let's all meet there at eight," George added tiredly.

"Great!" said Kramer, clapping his hands together in delight.

Suddenly, Elaine stood up. "You know, I'm not really that hungry all of a sudden. I'd better get to the hospital and give Jerry his comic books."

"Okay, I'll call you later," George told her.

"See ya, Elaine," Kramer added.

As soon as Elaine left, Kramer slapped himself on the side of the head. "Elaine…man, I completely forgot!"

"Forgot what?"

Kramer took the bleach pen out of his pocket. "Helen gave this to me to give back to Elaine, and I forgot to give it to her."

"What is it?" asked George, taking it.

"It's a bleach pen. If you have a stained shirt or something, just run it under cold water and squirt it with this bleach pen. It gets it right out."

"Bleach, huh?" George asked, pocketing it. "You know, I'll probably be seeing Elaine later today. I'll just give it to her then."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Elaine was riding up in the hospital elevator to the eighth floor, comic books in hand. According to the woman at the front desk, Jerry was in room 812.

The elevator stopped at the eighth floor, and Elaine got out. Room 812 wasn't very far down the hall; she only had to walk about 100 feet. Knocking gently on the door, she carefully pried it open. "Jer?" she whispered softly. "Jer, are you awake?"

As it turns out, he wasn't. Jerry was fast asleep in bed. He looked very peaceful asleep, but Elaine had never seen him like this; lying in a hospital bed, wearing a pair of pajamas, and an IV sticking into his left arm. Jerry was usually so healthy.

"Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry," Elaine said aloud, quietly. She patted his chest. "Poor Jerry. You'll feel better soon."

Deciding to leave a note rather than wait until he woke up, Elaine stacked the Superman comics she had bought him on the night table right beside him, and rummaged in her purse for a pen and scrap of paper. Finding them, she bent over and wrote:

_Jerry,_

_I hope you enjoy these comics I got for you._

_Get well soon, Jer. We all love you!_

_Elaine_

Elaine put the pen back into her purse and put the note on top of the stack of comics. She was about to leave when an attractive young man dressed in a nurse's uniform came into Jerry's room.

"Hello. Are you a friend of his?" the cute man asked.

Elaine smiled sweetly. "Yes. I just came by to give him some comic books, but he's asleep, so I'm leaving."

The cute nurse nodded, picked up Jerry's wrist, and began to take his pulse. "Yeah, I wouldn't worry about him. He's going to turn out fine. His temperature's dropping quickly, so he'll be better in no time."

"Good, I'm glad. I'm really worried about him." Elaine walked over and took Jerry's other hand. She smiled up at the cute nurse.

* * *

Early in the afternoon, George called Elaine in a panic.

"Elaine, what do I do? If I bring Kirkley there tonight to that restaurant, Kramer's going to be all over her once he finds out she's a celebrity. Remember Bette Midler?"

Elaine did remember. "Oh, yeah…poor Kirkley," she sighed. "And I know Puddy isn't going to be quite himself either. He'll be oogling all over her!"

"She'll think my friends are freaks, and she'll dump me!" George wailed.

"Okay, let's not panic," Elaine said calmly. "Maybe we can have a nice night after all. How about if Kirkley…changes her appearance a little? You know, puts on some different makeup, or wears a big floppy hat, or a wig, so nobody will recognize her? You could ask her to wear sunglasses or something!"

"I don't know, Elaine. I can't just ask her to do that. She'll _still_ think I'm a freak." George sighed. "I guess I'd better think about this one. By the way, how's Jerry?"

"I don't know. When I went to visit, he was asleep, so I just left some comics there for him. I met a really cute man-nurse and got his number. I'm thinking of dumping Puddy."

Even though Elaine couldn't see him, George rolled his eyes. "Oh, and hey, Kramer gave me this bleach pen this morning after you left. He said it's yours, and Mrs. Seinfeld told him to make sure it got back to you."

"Oh, well, you can just give it to me tonight at the restaurant. I guess I'll see you later, George."

"Bye, Elaine." George hung up the phone and glanced at the bleach pen in his hands. He picked up the phone again and called Kirkley.

"Kirkley? This is George. Listen, my friend, he had the weirdest idea. He wants us to triple date with him and his date and another couple."

"A triple date? I don't know, George, I've never gone on a triple date before. I usually just like to go out alone."

"Well, if you'd feel too uncomfortable, I can just call up my friend and tell him no," George said, trying to hide the cheerfulness in his voice.

"No," Kirkley said hesitantly. "If your friend wants to triple date, then we shouldn't disappoint him. We should go."

"Okay. Well, we'll be going to Marianna's, it's at the corner of 6th and Broadway. We're supposed to meet there at eight, so I'll pick you up at seven-thirty. Where are you staying?"

* * *

That night at seven-thirty, George knocked on the door of room 214 at the Plaza Hotel. Apparently, Kirkley was staying at the Plaza temporarily while the apartment she had just bought near Central Park was being renovated.

George also had a plan. After thinking about it for a while, he knew how to keep Kirkley's real identity hidden from Kramer and Puddy.

After a few minutes, Kirkley opened the door. She looked radiant in a champagne-colored satin dress, with her hair in a French bun atop her head.

"George, you're here!" she exclaimed.

"Good evening, Kirkley," George smiled, holding out the bouquet of roses he had brought with him.

Kirkley gasped in surprise. "Oh, George, they're beautiful!" she exclaimed, taking them and leaning over and accepting them. She handled a few of them in her hands. "And so delicate!" She leaned over and gave George a kiss on the cheek.

George blushed. "Hey, I was just thinking…when we go to the restaurant, we may eat on the tables outside, so how about you bring a hat with you, so your hair stays together?"

Kirkley looked uneasy, but nodded. "Oh. Okay. If you could wait just a moment, I'll go get something."

She disappeared back into her hotel room, carrying the roses with her, but came back carrying a large floppy hat. George smiled; this was exactly what he'd been hoping for. With that big hat on, his friends would have a hard time distinguishing her face.

"Wonderful!" he grinned. "You look gorgeous! Come on, let's catch a cab."

George and Kirkley took a taxicab to Marianna's. Sitting together in the backseat, Kirkley was holding her floppy hat in front of her, while George held his bleach pen near it.

"What's that?" Kirkley asked.

"A bleach pen. I borrowed it from a friend; I'm supposed to give it back to her tonight."

"I've never seen one of those before!"

"Before I saw it, neither did I!"

The cabbie looked back at them. "Hey," he said to Kirkley. "Aren't you Casprine Sterling?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kirkley retorted immediately.

"Are you sure? You look an awful lot like her…"

"I think I know who I am, thank you."

George turned to her. "You know, you really shouldn't be so modest. If someone compliments you, you should thank them."

"George, he wasn't complimenting me on anything. He just asked if I was…if I was someone I'm not," she finished. Away from the cameras, Kirkley couldn't even bring herself to say Casprine Sterling's name.

George sighed. "Oh, Kirkley…"

As George and Kirkley were talking, neither noticed that the bleach pen had begun to leak. Within seconds, it exploded, with white bleach dripping down inside Kirkley's floppy hat.

As the taxi pulled up to Marianna's, Kirkley put her hat on her head without thinking. George reached into his pocket to pay the cabbie, but then noticed the pen he held in his hand.

"The bleach pen!" he exclaimed. "It's exploded!"

"Oh, no!" Kirkley cried. "I'm so sorry…" She reached into her purse for a handkerchief. "Here."

"Thanks." George wiped the dripping pen on the handkerchief and reached into his pocket to pay the cab fare. With Kirkley thanking the cabbie for the ride, they stepped inside Marianna's.

"We should wait for everybody else inside, at the very latest," George said.

Kirkley nodded. "I should take my hat off while we're inside." She faced a nearby mirror and removed her hat. As it turns out, the bleach pen _had_ leaked into Kirkley's hat…and when she put it on her head, the bleach had gone down into her hair. Casprine Sterling's fine dark hair was now laden with white streaks.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Kirkley screamed, horrified, as she stared at herself in the mirror.

George just looked on with wide eyes. "I swear," he mumbled as Kirkley continued to scream. "I swear it isn't my fault!"

* * *

Exactly one week later, Jerry and Elaine were in Jerry's apartment. Jerry, who was home from the hospital, was curled up on the couch with several blankets as he watched TV. Elaine sat in the easy chair.

"Jerry, do you have a scar from your surgery?" Elaine asked him.

Jerry nodded and fake sobbed. "I'm disfigured, Elaine! Disfigured!"

"At least it's under your shirt so no one can see it!"

"Everyone I sleep with will!" Jerry pointed out. Elaine rolled her eyes.

"Did your parents make it back down to Florida safely?" George asked. He was in the kitchen, pouring himself a soda and acting pretty cheerful for someone who had just broken off a relationship and sworn to be good friends.

"Yeah, they did. By the way, guys, thanks for having them up here. It really cheered me up."

"We knew it would, Jer," Elaine smiled.

"Anytime, Jerry," George added. "By the way, where's Kramer?"

"I have no idea," Jerry admitted. "He came in here yesterday morning spouting something about going somewhere with his girlfriend, but where they went, I have no clue. I was under the influence of very heavy medication."

Elaine laughed. "Come on. Let's cheer you up and watch some TV." She grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. Some kind of awards festival was happening on CBS.

George came over with his soda and sat on the edge of the couch. "Hey, it looks like the Tonys. And look, there's Ingrid Imogen!" he exclaimed suddenly, pointing to the TV.

"_Who_?" Jerry and Elaine simultaneously.

"Some lady that they say is going to be the next Joan Rivers. Kirkley complained about her a lot," George explained.

"Ah," Elaine nodded understandingly, but Jerry just looked confused.

"Who's Kirkley?" he asked. George and Elaine just looked at each other and exchanged glances. Neither of them felt like explaining.

On TV, Ingrid Imogen was examining the celebrities' outfits. Suddenly, a familiar face graced the cameras.

"Look, there she is!" George exclaimed excitedly, pointing to the TV. "There's Kirkley!"

Elaine looked at the TV in horror. "_What_ has she done to her _hair_?"

Kirkley King's hair was now completely white, but she still looked radiant as she smiled in a red satin gown.

"Look, ladies and gentlemen, it's Casprine Sterling!" Ingrid Imogen exclaimed, hurrying over to Kirkley with her microphone. "With a very interesting hairstyle," she added.

"It was an accident," Kirkley laughed lightly. "Last week, I was going to go out with some friends. Let's just say that it's the last time I try to do my hair by myself." Kirkley and Ingrid laughed.

"She probably couldn't get the bleach out, so she had to dye her hair white," George observed in shock.

"Well, the white certainly looks lovely with your ruby red gown," Ingrid observed brightly. "Who are you wearing, by the way?"

"This is Roberta Moore, the December collection."

"Lovely! Well, thank you, Casprine, and good luck tonight."

"Thank you, Ms. Imogen."

"She was so nice," George sighed lovingly.

"She _was_ nice!" Elaine retorted angrily. "So, why'd you have to go and ruin her hair for?"

"It wasn't my fault!" George said immediately. "Your bleach pen leaked onto the inside of her hat!"

"Will someone please tell me what I've missed?" Jerry asked, confused. "I get sick for a few days, and suddenly I'm completely out of the loop! _What's been going on_? George, you know Casprine Sterling?"

"Her name is Kirkley King," George and Elaine said simultaneously.

Jerry shook his head and turned back to the TV. He was getting more confused by the minute.

Suddenly, the three of them saw another shocking sight.

"KRAMER!!!"

And there he was. Cosmo Kramer, dressed sharply in a tux, was at the Tonys. And this time, he wasn't just a seat filler. On his arm was Tessie…who was dressed in the most unusual dress any of them had ever seen. It was made of pieces of ordinary fabric, all sown together in the style of a quilt.

"Look, that's Tessie with him!" gawked Elaine.

Ingrid Imogen was on the screen again. "Tessie Guaverra, that's a very unique ensemble you have on. Who are you wearing?"

"No way!" George exclaimed. "Kramer's Tessie was Tessie _Guaverra_? The Broadway actress?"

"She has a nomination, too!" Elaine screeched in jealousy. "Gosh, I didn't even recognize her!!!"

"This dress was designed just for me by this wonderful man standing right beside me," Tessie said proudly on camera. "Meet Cosmo Kramer!"

"Hey, everybody!" Kramer waved on camera. "I'd like to say hello to all of my friends on 81st Street!"

"Wait, so Kramer's been dating that actress?" Jerry asked, still a bit out of the loop.

"Yeah," Elaine said. "Your parents met her, Jerry. They can tell you all about her."

Jerry just shook his head, as perplexed as ever, and looked up to the heavens. "Now I know why I don't get sick that often."

* * *

Meanwhile, downtown on the red carpet at the Tonys, the shy Casprine Sterling watched from a corner, amused, as Kramer and Tessie stood in front of the camera.

"And I'd like to say hi to Elaine Benes, and David Puddy, and Morty and Helen Seinfeld, and--" Tessie was using her fingers to count off all of the people that Kramer had introduced her to.

"And their son Jerry, and George Costanza, don't forget him," Kramer added. He waved into the camera. "Hey, George!"

Casprine Sterling opened her purse and looked inside. Lying there was a bleach pen…the same one George had ruined her hair with.

The camera kept rolling on Tessie and Kramer as Casprine Sterling gazed down at the bleach pen and smiled.

THE END

* * *

**Author's Note**: Like I said, this is just a silly story I wrote way back when and decided to post. But reviews are accepted.


End file.
